So Soft, Zoloft

Today is my 82nd day on Zoloft and...I feel good.

I've become obsessed with a lot of new things lately like lifting weights, organic cosmetics, simplifying my life, and redoing my wardrobe. I may never get used to this Army life, but it still seems to amaze me.

I slipped. Look, it was bound to happen. It was almost like I attracted all of these health issues to get my hands on some goods. First it was my wisdom tooth, then my ovaries and why I never got hooked on Morphine in my drug days is beyond me. I mean shit, it was close to heaven. The  addict inside of me couldn't take it anymore and damn, alcohol doesn't do shit for me. And really, I don't feel the Zoloft, it just slows my heart rate down and allows me to breathe.
I always want more. I'll never be high enough. Someone needs to tell my Commander to drug test me more often.

We thought I could be infertile. I mean, it's still a possibility. I need a child because a child will be the only thing that could ultimately cure me.

Somehow, someway I am still continuing to get more and more beautiful each and everyday.

I read some of my own work and I cried. I cried and cried 'til my face was numb.

I just want to be happy and I'd like to go back in time and tell my 21 and 22 year old self that everything will be okay.

Shit, I need to tell my 23 year old self that to.

When does this stop?

I Almost Forgot About Dr. Dog

I couldn't sleep last night. That hasn't happened to me in months. Something is on my mind; i've been feeling guilty.
Sometimes I just want to disappear, but I know it wouldn't be fair.
The only time I truly feel my best is the first five minutes after I put on a fresh new face of make up. I raise my eyebrows and look in the mirror and think, "damn, I have some good genes"


Look, I'm not contradicting myself here, just different days bring different things and really, I'm only human.

I'm so alone in a place so crowded. I'm so alone in a place where we're all mostly the same.
I'm totally okay with it.

I will forever miss California.

Candle Lit

I'm here again.
I'm sitting in the dark with my computer and a candle is burning. It's been burning for hours.

I can't take back the past but I can fix things in the present and that's the most important thing I've learned in 2013. I won't start to write into 2014 or even about 2014 yet because fuck, why?
I just want to be a good wife. That's it. I'll be damn blunt about it. I want to be good, well behaved, nice, understanding, and reliable. I think I am all of those things but I'm still learning. Is there anyway that someone else can understand that?

I surprise myself every day. I'm extremely beautiful out of nowhere. This is new to me like everything else and I'm not even going to pretend like I haven't noticed.

Sometimes I think about all the people I used to know, all the men that walked in and out of my life. What did I gain and what did they gain? I've always been afraid of those answers. And it's funny when I read back on all of these posts, most of them are about the man I married anyway.
When I think about 2012 and 2013...I just wanted him. I did all sorts of stupid things to try to forget about him just because I thought he wasn't obtainable. Shit. Then, I don't know...something just clicked for the both of us.

So here I am...fuck...I'm not getting laid like I used to because he lives
so far away, but I've never been so okay with it. I'm so damn strong.

Have I mentioned that I think I'm cool now and I love me?

As If I Couldn't.

I recently got a new name. It starts with an A and ends with an S. And with that came a dreamy husband and a new life.

There are things that I set up for myself and with that came everything I've been fighting for.
I wanted to be faithful and sober and healthy for so long. It seemed so out of reach. I thought I was on the road to being a dirt bag for the rest of my life. But when shit got too heavy for the fan, I made a life changing decision.

I look in the mirror and I'm satisfied. This is new to me. I got so used to being so ashamed at the reflection I saw.

I am so damn strong now. I'm happy, in love, and fuck...call me the Jacqueline of all trades.

The Lawyer of My Heart.

I can take on anything that gets thrown at me. I've been that way my entire life, and really it's one of the only things I love about myself. And that's what brings me to this keyboard and back to this blog, I've started to love myself again.
With self love comes a lot of limits and it's time to be good again.
I've been on a good one for the last month.  I mean, I've gone hard; fucking any penis that looks good and turns me on. I NEED TO STOP. It doesn't make me feel good and I don't get anywhere by doing that. I'm so numb from so many men not wanting a real relationship that I'd rather just antagonize myself with the lawyer and only the lawyer for one more whole year.
I'v become so cheap and I feel so vile when I wake up to a boy I hardly know. They don't care about me. They'd never do anything for me if  I needed something.

So that brings me to realize that the lawyer is the closest person to me. He's been there for me after every god damn bad thing that's happened to me since i've known him. I know he loves me and I've only felt it even more lately.

I will wait, I will wait for you.

Late Thanks.

I asked the universe to give me someone who appreciates me and two days later, my wish was granted.
I didn't necessarily mean a male or boyfriend figure of any kind, it could have been anyone. I just needed someone, besides my bosses and customers, who needed me and was thankful to have me.
I have been waiting a while for someone like this, or to at least display their appreciation. Month after month i've felt so used and well, worthless. Woman feel this way, so it's important to make us feel important.

So I met someone. AGAIN. I know what you're thinking and I don't care.
I am so god damn numb and I am literally expecting nothing from him. I'm not wrapping my feelings around him or trying very hard, and just like in the past, well, it's working. Men need a chase and why I  don't act like this every time is beyond me. Sometimes it's just hard. But now, since I've been burned so badly, I'm bitter and just trying to get fucked.
So suddenly someone who really fucking appreciates me as a human has walked into my life.

So I made him dinner. I knew the result would be positive because I was making my best dish.
Who knew i could ever, ever, ever make him so happy. It was over 24 hours ago and he's still thanking me and begging me to come back.
And in return, I am growing thankful. My gratitude is forming for this new human. I am glad I get to feel this way before I sell my soul to the government. I am glad I've met someone as mature and as intelligent as I am.
Though his profession is mainly the same as the last two men, I've grown to like that part. I am familiar with it now. And someone like me needs all the stability I can get.

I'll see him again on Sunday. He's leaving his back door open so I can come in while he's at work. And I'll be patiently waiting for him as I cook and clean his messy Joshua Tree house.
If you appreciate me; I so appreciate you.
And any male who can handle me is ONE GOD DAMN LUCKY HUMAN.

My hair is long, my skin is getting better. I am beautiful.