Sorry Viewers! Ah! I didn't know!

Damn, I'm getting quiet a few views, I better start posting some of my better work. I really didn't think anyone would look at this so I apologize for my, "So my day was..." kind of boring bull shit. And viewers, if any of you have been following my writing for the last three years or so, I am more sober, calm, and just sort of low-key now.

                                                                         ***
I'm beating myself up over nothing. At least that's how I felt all day at work today; defeated, run down, and left out. There's actually nothing wrong with me at all. And besides, I have my meds for when there is. It'll digest and tell my brain who will tell my heart to calm down, to stay still, to only beat enough so that my body can still function. I could have used a magical milligram today, it's still not too late, but something about everything makes me want to get through it all alone. I hate depending on shit, I can't even stand how I need these glasses to see now.

What the hell happened in the last couple days that changed my mood so dramatically?
It could have been Raph's texts. He continued to tell me I should of met him in Chicago. I would of considered it if he didn't tell me that after he was already there. It would of been nice to see him and his family. But I didn't tell him that. Instead I told him our ship has sailed. I am here and he is across the planet from me, where he will stay to build his life, his career and his family. What does he even want out of me now?
We've played this game so many times since we broke up. Shit, it's almost been a year.
I barely skimmed through the texts knowing all he wanted to do was fuck me. Yes, I figured it out and yes, he wanted me to fly all the way to stupid Illinois so he could have me in bed one last time before his life progresses even more.  I'm not that weak and he's not that good.

But honestly, him and those lousy text messages didn't bother me so much.

I wanted to stay at the Dr. Dog show forever. I never wanted it to end. They were so happy and it more than rubbed off on me.
I am being such a god damn walking contradiction right now.

The back pain I woke up to this morning was so fucking...well, painful. It's from ignoring my required stretches and from arching my back as much as I can during sex to intensify pleasure. I certainly know what I have to do to get there.

The amount of liquid emotion that leaves my body when I'm with him in bed is unbelievable.