I wrote this early January. This is one of my favorite things I've ever written....

"The month of January is always something different. January is a leader, a go-getter, a starter, a trend setter. So here I am in the desert of Southern California. This is where everything started in the first place; all the growing up, all the sorrow, loss, and the constant need to just get the fuck out.

My three years in San Francisco went relatively well. My heart broke twice; once when I first got there and once right before I left. I struggled with money from time to time. I lived in some uncomfortable situations here and there, and i had some shitty jobs. But all in all, it was awesome and I learned all the things I needed to. How to not need a car, how to eat well, how to not wear a pound of make-up every day, how to chill the fuck out with weed, how to just…have a good time, really.

So when it came time to come back to the desert, it wasn’t that I wanted to be here. I had a good opportunity financially and for some reason I felt that I had more support here. I felt alone in San Francisco, living with an ex in the foggiest, coldest part the city. I was fleeing some damage I had done. I was running from all the mistakes I made before anyone found out. A few older woman in my life told me they hoped I wasn’t relocating for a guy. I wasn’t, I said. I pleaded. I yelled, even. But I so, totally did. Paul made it all possible for me. And though I would soon learn that I did not love him, that I could not and would not, I stuck around. And for some reason he hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me before. How could that even be possible when I didn’t even love him? This is something that will always boggle my little, confused mind.

I know that woman often think of the things they’d do to defend themselves in hostile situations. It’s the kind of shit we think about in the long, late night showers we take to de-stress. We are woman, strong, strong, lovely women and fuck anyone who fucks with us, right?

Things don’t always go as planned when things hit the fan. All those made up scenarios that I rehearsed, that I promised myself I’d do just didn’t end up happening. It wasn’t that I was scared or worried if I was going to die or not, I merely didn’t want to exist. But i wished that for the human race, the entire world, the whole fucking universe. I wished that nothing had ever been created so all the hurt and heartbreak in the world just didn’t happen because nothing was ever created. So i curled up into a ball just like I did when I was a kid. To escape, to disappear. 

The cops, the restraining order, the court dates, the hatred are all to supposedly keep him away from me. But really, I am pursuing such things to keep ME away from him. I’m so annoyingly forgiving, so understanding, so caring, and nosey, really. I am still the victim, you are still the suspect, the only suspect, the one in the total fucking wrong, but I am doing this to prevent me from going back. It’s so hard for me to loose people that are still alive. I don’t know how to say goodbye to people who are still here on Earth. That might clear a lot of things up for many of you.

I am getting out of this desert as soon as i can. It’s tainted, evil, and cursed. There’s so much hurt and boredom. Every path is a dead end.

So in just a while I’ll be living in Sacramento where I will live cheaply, intelligently, and safely. I will finish school there, find a career there, and hopefully start a family there.

I want to thank the people who’ve helped me through all of this. Without you, I would REALLY feel like i didn’t want exist."