Naytinator.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I've said, "FUCK YOU" a few more times and in a few different ways than I've wanted to recently but this is what I've had to do. I've had to weed out all of the assholes, liars, hydros and codones.
When the dude said, "I am sensitive to pill addictions" I thought, "Okay, do something quick, Nay."
When the ex in Germany said, "I'll fucking tell you're family right now" I yelled, "But, I'm quitting. I'm just finishing the rest." I knew I had to turn my life around.

It wasn't that I was any different when I was loaded or high. I was actually freakishly the same. I felt infinite like any addict would and the most important part was the numbness. I had waited almost my entire life to feel nothing and I finally figured out how to do it. But my liver would hurt and I'd find my wallet $100 less richer. I would continue to drink and smoke and play chemist and mix, mix, mix 'til I found the perfect high. It was to the point where being sober just...hurt.

So here I am, totally sober. I mean, from the 'scripts and that's what counts. I've been clean for some weeks and though I've found that some of my body parts ache, my heart does not.

...and will not. Hopefully.

It's cool you know, I'm doing better. It's like I can't even remember.

Get it?

In case there was any doubt or confusion,

I am a sex addict. I am addicted to sex. I am not happy with out it. Will go to extremes to get laid.

How often do you get a song written about you? haha. I guess I do a lot...




New song: I Wished (She Wished). Recording soon.

Start ~15s

She wished someone would save her,
caught up in the city life.
Stuck shacked up living with her ex,
plus working late nights.

She wished for superman,
to fly in, sweep her off her feet,
it's just so hard to be alone,
in cities full of sheep.

I wished for happiness,
I'd finally found serenity,
I'd faced the demons,
and I knew they were inside of me.

I wished for time,
I needed minutes just to sort it out.
Not the antagonist,
Eliminating this self-doubt.

She made an accidental text,
It was the wrong Paul,
And new Paul changed,
and he forgave, it was his downfall.

I wished to warn her,
man, I wished to tell her run away,
cause I'm possessed when I'm in love,
and this won't be Okay.

--Break ~1'15

She wished I'd come and save her,
I became her superman.
We'd ditch the city, fall in love,
that was her master plan.

Said are you sure?
That SF city's so magnificent!
Why not just ditch your ex,
and take up a new residence?

She made a promise,
no mistaking this as love true,
I wished so badly to believe,
I'm sure she did too.

And so I wished, and wished
I wished like only fools do.
And then I took her on her word,
and hoped we'd pull through.

She wished he'd text her,
cause she knew she couldn't be forgot.
and when he did,
the wind blew open all her raveled plots.

I wished they'd stop,
the fucked up pictures running in my head,
telling stories in a book I wished
I never read.

--Break ~2'18

I wished I wasn't so alone,
I could have severed ties,
She preys on guys like us,
we'll stick around, believe the lies.

She wished I'd get the hint,
she only talks up other dudes,
she needs to be the victim,
it's her most successful ruse.

I wished I could admit,
to all the things that happened next,
I wished it didn't haunt me,
every night with every breathe.

I wished I'd just ignored the pain,
and stayed the straight path,
wished I could love her unconditional,
and that's that.

I wished I didn't see a monster,
when I see my face.
I wished I'd wrote it all in pencil,
it could be erased.

I wished I'd left her, man
I wished I'd ran with no regrets.
I wished I could forget her looks,
of when we first met.

Words That I Can't Even Spell

I had a dream that ink tattoos didn't exist anymore. People were getting patches embroidered all over their bodies instead. So I got a jelly fish on my right shoulder blade and didn't like it because I couldn't see it in the mirror every time I looked at myself. I woke up annoyed.


I'm smart, see, I got it going on in the terms of current events, mathematics, literature, and business. But somehow I'm still so stupidly gullible and I fall for the one thing our mothers, sisters, best friends, and therapists said not to; drunk talk.
But catching it this time was equivalent to a perfect self-given orgasm. I mean, it pretty much was that. I gave myself a pat on the back AND a high-five. I'm learning and I really love learning.


 I have four addictions.
Caffeine
Hydrocodone
Sex
Alprazolam


We can all guess the two that I probably need to shake, right?
As I was describing my cocktail instructions to him last night, I realized how unattractive I sounded. How dumb it was that I admitted I have a problem but I am still fulfilling the addiction every fucking day. I'm not looking for attention. Seriously. I don't need it. I get attention everywhere I go, every day.
"What does your chest tattoo say?"
"Hey, you're pretty."
"Wow, you have nice eyes"
"I like your shirt."
"Killer ass"
"Beautiful hair"
"Cute shoes!"
"You're so funny"
"You're so clever"
"Your vagina feels so good"


But where's the, "GET YOUR ASS SOBER NOW, YOU DUMB, UGLY, STRUNG OUT BITCH!!!!"

I'm not telling the right people. I'm not telling the people who actually care about me. And I'm obviously doing that on purpose.


Hey, when is the lawyer gonna call?

My Sex Is On Fire

Being highly skilled in the sheets and getting attached way too easily and too quickly has got to be one of the worst combinations in the universe. Also needing sex like I do doesn't help either. Not a lot of people deal with this as severely as I do. It's worse than my anxiety, well, hell, maybe it is my anxiety.
So the pickle is;
Does he just like my body and what it does?
Or does he like my brain and my body and my heart like he said over and over as he downed beer after beer?
I never know what to believe because there's always alcohol in the mix, I am always one of the best fucks they've ever had, and they are never clear. So it's up to  my brain to figure it out and that's where the problem is, it can't. I need black and white. How many men am I going to have to tell that to before I actually get the two most basic colors in the world? How many men am I going to have to meet, fuck and like until I find one that is down to rule the world with me?

I'm not just talking about one guy. I'm talking about probably 15+ I've dealt with like this since I was 16 years old.

I tried dating girls, then I turned into one of those dudes.


I am insane.

It's my turn.

Believe it or not, take it or leave it, I've been decently well-balanced and happy for the last week or so. It's stemming from my gratitude for my new house and the new people who have walked into my life.

I am thankful and being thankful brings more things to be thankful for.

I was snuggling with my rabbits earlier. Stella was attempting to groom me. She licked my forehead like she does to Jupiter. She was licking my neck and hands, she was really putting work into this. I let her. It's not often I feel affection from her since I think she feels the need to be loyal to Jupiter. Though, I know he doesn't care. He is a very typical male; insensitive, distracted, and occupied. 

She then discovered these obnoxious acrylic nails that I still have on, so she started to bite them with force, harder, and harder. I pulled away to warn her that she was hurting me and she began to pull my glasses off.

"No, Stella." I said.

She then  went back to licking my forehead.

Jupiter noticed and hopped over, she redirected her attention to him; her real, true love for life.

I can only hope they know how much I love them.

So I looked in the mirror for a long while after that. I have terrible blemishes all over my neck just like I thought I would.
"I break out from everything, I mean, like, I'm sure I'll break out from how your arm is rested around my neck right now"
He apologized and asked we should reposition ourselves. I said, "No, I'm used to my terrible skin, I'd rather cuddle"

We hung out the next week for about three days. My skin got worse but as woman, we make these sacrifices for men. It's always been that way, since the cavemen days, even.

Things are going smoothly. I like smooth, especially smooth, easy-going men. I have so much testosterone that I require company with like features.
I also enjoy being witty and anyone who brings that's out of me. Sometimes my humor is offensive, I know, but if you dig it, I totally dig you.

I have a lot of 'scripts in my possession right now.
But that's okay, right?

RIGHT!??!?!

I want to take back everything last, fucking, stupid thing I've been saying lately. I've actually been very stable, free from pills and drama. And though those pills are meant to stabilize my brain, well shit, I guess i've been doing it myself.

It was nice to see the rain, I've missed it.

July, Really?

He said, "You need someone like me".
I sat and thought about that for a while. He gathered that from what he read?
I haven't been nervous like that in a few weeks and I really was trying to stand my ground.
See, I was taught to not worry about the past, to not look back, and to just keep going, while learning from whatever I did wrong. But sometimes, I skip out on the "learning" part and I make the same mistakes over and over again. But this is apart of growing up, which I am still doing apparently.

It might comfort you to know that I was never really taught anything about monogamy. Or maybe that will make you more uneasy, I'm not sure. The household I grew up in was well, interesting. It swung a lot.
I've told my heart to be still in the past and it usually listens. But see, it takes two. And I think I made that clear.

I'm taxing, we all know this. I try to act tough and calm, but fuck, when those chromosomes got together in that intoxicated womb, well, silly, funny things happened to the part called, BRAIN.
We've been over this.

And most of the time people aren't really used to other people being their complete selves. I mean, I think a lot of people are fake and a lot of people know this and that's what they're used to.
So while I am 100% myself always, people are caught off guard, people can't handle it.

Take it or leave it, I'll keep shining on.