Horray!

I can live like this forever; I am happy. I have secrets and quiet feelings for people you'd never guess, but that's how I've always been. I spent months trying to understand him and feel like he feels; feel nothing always and forever. Now I am a pro. It's chemically induced, but fuck, it feels great to not feel anything but happiness. But i'm not talking about him. This isn't about him like it usually is. This is about me and everyone else.

So here I am, I've never felt so like myself before. I've 'come to' and I've never felt so balanced either. I've attracted all of these great things. My brain has really been working!

Teary-eyed and Mistaken.

Now, after a year and some months, I wish I would have thrown you away with that Micky's 40 bottle that afternoon at Delores Park. I was just trying to save a buck and you were being selfish. And really all along, I've been trying to save our friendship and preserve it because I thought the innocent feelings were mutual. I didn't know the fine print was conditional. I didn't know our bond could just...end.
And now, as I look back, I was being used by the one person I didn't think could. I continued to cook and clean, do your laundry, and suck your dick for months and months and months after it was "over". I flew back to Sf. YOU flew me back...
The worst part were the words, "I'm your family, Nay" that came out of your month. I took that seriously. I caught it with an open fist in the air and kept it. I kept that statement so close to me, i'd repeat it in my mind when things got bad.
But I'm throwing it away now, with you, with everything I learned with you, learned from you, learned about you. You were that Micky's 40. I drank you...then threw you away, just like you did to me.

I Can't See

I'm back to being alone and I'm already lonely. I'm already missing the attention, wanting it, needing it, and I will be on the search for it soon. I can't go too long without it. Sorry.

Maybe if I learned to love myself, I could forget how I was raised and all of the things I saw growing up. Maybe I could let go of all the pain and all the things my mother did in front of me. I wish I could forget how she used to solve her problems, how she resorted to a different male every time one would fail her, and how she never found one worth keeping. She judged them by sexual performance and how funny they were. I do the same, except for add what they do for a living in the mix and my mother and I could be twins. 

I want to get better. I want to be happy alone or happy with just one person, but it's going to take some serious growing up. You'd think getting my heart broken over and over again would do the trick. you'd think I'd fucking learn something from that. I didn't, I don't, I won't. It's going to take something way crazier. Something that I can't even imagine. This scares me because you'd think the worst imaginable has already happened.

When in doubt, I have Jupiter and Stella.

These are the things I want in no particular order...

True mutual love

To save money

                                                                       Lexus CT 200h

                                                          A home and career in Sacramento

                                                                       College degree

Junk in the Trunk

My head is throbbing. I ate very healthy so far today, I've been drinking a lot of water, and I took all of my vitamins including a pain killer and my head is still aching harder than I can even put to words. 

I'm feeling guilty. I'm not sure for what, but at least I still have a heart. I was worried I was becoming heartless. I was worried I'd reach such strong bitterness, I wouldn't be able to pull myself out.

All the 'scripts I took last night knocked me on my ass, dead asleep. I was confused and thought I had to be at work this morning. I got up, fed the bunnies and turned on the shower. It was 6:30 on my day off. Luckily, I realized my mishap before I got under the water. I sort of chuckled out load to myself, but I was mostly sad because i obviously had no idea what I was doing with my life at that point. I went back to bed and slept for another hour.

My guilt goes back to a few things that were said to me on Saturday night. See, I did nothing to spark these words but I did drive myself there and I suppose that alone was enough.

I can't remember everything and I don't think I said much. But these few sentences stuck....

1."Stop taking pills, Nay"

2."How are the bunnies?"

3."You've gained weight in all the right places"

okay.

1. You never  cared before

2. YOU REALLY FUCKING NEVER CARED BEFORE

3. Interesting.

It was interesting because I didn't mention that I had gained weight, that I had been feeling fat and my legs touch each other when I'm standing now. He noticed. I wanted to throw up right then and there and believe me, I almost did. 

If there is one lesson I have learned from all of this it's, law school is a fantastic place to learn how to manipulate woman. 

I have out smarted you, thankyouveryfuckingmuch.

The Bigger The Bill.

I've been feeling old and run-down. My body is young by trade but aged by nature. I'm a hard worker, but also a hard partier. That's the American Dream, though, right?

See, I can say anything I want about my life, about my decisions and actions. I can chew myself out and beat myself up, no problem. I've learned to be easier on myself because what is punishment worth in the end? Nothing.

I can't handle other people telling me I'm crazy, especially when they're a really close friend.
"You're a piece of work"
Well, I suppose I am but fuck, I'm really sensitive.

I'm a piece of female
A piece of loneliness
A piece of forgetfulness
A piece of regret
And a piece of sorrow

So you know, I'm just gonna hang out with myself for a while and figure out how to work on this piece. I'm going to save money so I can travel and visit people I miss. So I can see the south and the east coast. So I can move away and  never look back for a second time.

V/ 36 01

Back at it.

God damnit.

Win some, loose some. 

Isn't that how it goes?

Words and Wurz

It's so very important that I write right now. Now more than ever.

It took some weeks of thinking, but after hanging out with a few different types of people, I realized that some spark my anxiety and some calm me down and it was up to me to figure out who was who.
I had so many months of feeling insecure and used. So many months of feeling not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. It seemed like everyone was making me feel that way, not just men.
I was preaching my thoughts on Law Of Attraction everyday to anyone who would listen, but I wasn't even practicing it. The key to the whole god damn way of living with the Universe as your God is to love yourself.
Self Love is the first step to everything obtainable.
I lost that with some scars and some court dates. And I lost it even more when men just wanted my ever-so-sensitive lady parts.
"I'm not using you, Nay. Please don't feel that way"
Uhh, okay...

So what I'm trying to say is, I had to weed out the ones that really fucking made me feel crazy. There were two, eh three. No, four.

Like I've said before, I am worth more than to feel down and I am my own being, my own self, my own everything, so why let a person get to me? I don't care if you're family, if you're really attractive, smart, useful, funny, and talented. If you make me feel crazy, I can't continue the human contact.
This all sounds selfish, I know and I actually do think it is selfish but I will not allow anyone to drive me to addiction again. I will not allow anyone to jeopardize and un-do all of the hard work i've accomplished. I will be selfish any day if it means I am calm, collected, and logical.

So here it comes;

I met someone who was different than anyone I've ever met. I wasn't sure why. Maybe his age, maybe his profession, background, where he's from. All I knew was, I had to get on track emotionally because he seemed so balanced and humble. And I just knew after one date with him that he wouldn't put up with a psycho-bitch like me.
A couple more hang outs and dinners later, I realized that I hadn't been doing much to curve my moods, to seem more stable, to act more mature. I just was. He completely calmed me down and I didn't have to try to "get better", it just happened. And that's when I discovered there are people who make me feel good and there are people who make me feel insane. And that's when I knew I had to keep him around.

Thanks to him, I am pill free and occupied. We have some plans and everything is going to unfold nicely.

I've needed things to fall into place like this for so long. I've been trying to attract stability for months now, but I was always looking in the wrong places, taking the wrong routes, choosing the wrong choices and people. 

My brain works better