I Can't See

I'm back to being alone and I'm already lonely. I'm already missing the attention, wanting it, needing it, and I will be on the search for it soon. I can't go too long without it. Sorry.

Maybe if I learned to love myself, I could forget how I was raised and all of the things I saw growing up. Maybe I could let go of all the pain and all the things my mother did in front of me. I wish I could forget how she used to solve her problems, how she resorted to a different male every time one would fail her, and how she never found one worth keeping. She judged them by sexual performance and how funny they were. I do the same, except for add what they do for a living in the mix and my mother and I could be twins. 

I want to get better. I want to be happy alone or happy with just one person, but it's going to take some serious growing up. You'd think getting my heart broken over and over again would do the trick. you'd think I'd fucking learn something from that. I didn't, I don't, I won't. It's going to take something way crazier. Something that I can't even imagine. This scares me because you'd think the worst imaginable has already happened.

When in doubt, I have Jupiter and Stella.