I Am Enlisting In The US Army

I've said this before and I'll say it again; I wish more people were like me.

I've been sober for so long now and it only makes me want to drink. My life is freakishly the same without pills which only makes me feel stupid for ever being addicted. But, my heart rate and my pulse are far above average...my body is still adjusting.
My body is adjusting to a lot of things, actually. Like, the ten or so push ups I've been doing nightly and the less often orgasms it's been getting. My mind is finally occupied and it's actually relaxing to go entire days not worrying if I'm going to get laid or not. It just doesn't matter, I've got bigger things on my plate right now.
Or maybe it's that my heart is staying in one place, with one male, for the first time is almost two years. I mean, he has a hold on me like he wouldn't believe. I can hardly believe it.
If only all of the drunken conversations could be validated the morning after. I am waiting....

But soon I'll be in the postion where dating might not work out. Who knows where I'll be, who knows what I will be.

Drastic changes always feel so good.

Politricks

It seems as though, at least every other year or so, I make a drastic change. In the past it has been things like, moving, living with a boyfriend, dating someone unexpected, a crazy hair cut, and drug experiments. And right now, this time around, I'm enlisting in the U.S. Army.
BIG LOL.

It makes sense to me and to everyone who really, truly knows me. As much as I am gaining by doing this, I am also running away from a lot. We've all figured that out by now.
I'm running away from a broken heart, unpaid bills, a hard and unrewarded life.
But I will gain a government job, skills, education, discipline, SOBRIETY, and standards.
I need rules, I need my decisions made for me for a while, I need free rent.

It's not even a big deal to me. Something this off the wall is totally fucking expected of me.
These are all things that happen.

The lawyer called me the other day. We had our recent differences but I let it all go with the sound of his voice. He has such a strong and stable hold on me, I'm just learning to deal with it now. I will love him until I meet someone else who does this to me.
For as much as he's made me cry and made my heart hurt, I will always want him.
It was painfully beautiful to finally know how he feels. I listened and I read the texts over and over and over again even though they were words that I already knew. I've known his reasoning all along, but the fact that he admitted to knowing my reasoning made it easier. He knows we would be perfect if it wasn't for that and this and oh yeah...that.
Well, I am at my prime, my smartest, my prettiest, and wittiest when I'm with him. it may sound extreme, but it's fucking true. Like I've said before, nobody moves me the way he does.
And I can't help but to think of the time at the Indio house when I was sitting on his lap, facing him. He was reaching to unsnap my bra and I was kissing his forehead. He whisphered, "I love...I love hooking up with you, Nay."

...and that right there was the foundation of our relationship.

Services Unprovided.

I no longer have a lawyer
I no longer have a doctor.
These are things I was willing to give up yesterday. These are things I am going to go without because everyone is replaceable, even I am. And sometimes, the replacement is better than the original.

So, not sure if you will ever read this, but..

You have my undivided attention, I promise.
It took me some time but you're still there and I am still here.
You said it this morning...

Like an Ocean

I drove two hours to see the only person who moves me in such a way that is stronger than any remedy, medicine, or substance.
When I entered his room, he told me he missed me. He has never said those words to me before, whether he has or hasn't actually missed me. So I looked at him with my piercing eyes. He said it again from the lack of reaction on my part, so I said it back.
I'm so used to men saying things and not actually meaning them, that I don't pay attention to the things that actually could be true.
The day proceeded nicely. I left his house around 8 to try to catch a hardcore show somewhere in Hollywood. He didn't want me to go, but I was feeling numb and selfish. Why should I stick around so you can haunt my heart even more?
I met up with the band, hung out, slept.
He sent me a text on my way home the next day, "Did you make it home!?!?"

what the actual fuck is going on here?

I spilled my heart out today. It's everywhere, no filters, no holding back. I am waiting, I am waiting, I am waiting.

So here I am, been off 'scripts for six days. I have been so dazed and high for the last 6 months and nobody tries to stop me until now? When I'm actually trying and succeeding to get better? Fuck.
My heart is hurting from all the heavy beating and lack of plan for the near future.
I have to get out of the desert, I must.

Reflect

I'm hungry. I'm tired. I'm so sober that it doesn't feel like sobriety, it's been that long.
I've got some people on my side, I think. I can get through anything. I can be anything I want. Nothing much has stopped, so why would this?
I can be heartless. I can be bitter.

These are things that usually don't happen.

I've gained weight. I felt it coming. ugh, I feel gross.
I can't see what he and him and he sees. I am forever blind to self affection and forever forgetting to look in a mirror when the time is right; when I'm happy.

I used to cry in front of the mirror when I was younger.  I'd rush to the mirror and watch my face and eyes turn red and damp together. the tears would roll down and i'd somehow think it was beautiful. I guess because it was true. If i was crying, i was actually upset, and I wasn't faking anything.
This was pretty to me.

I still do it, shit. I still weep in front of the mirror. I did it tonight and i'll probably do it tomorrow.