This guy I dated in late 2008 got jaw reconstructive surgery before I met him. I just remembered this and how he showed me a picture of him before his surgery and how interesting it was that I thought he looked better before than he did when I met him. He took me home to his parents and friends and his friends were pointing how how different he looked and such and in a way, I felt lied to.
I soon fell in love with him for other reasons and he broke my heart like I've never felt before. I still miss that guy and he still makes me feel weird everytime I see him or think about him. He took 38 from me and still has it. And I did something really bad with him in 2010.

Live MAS

Let me take a step back. I mean, I'm fucking drinking vodka and beer at the same time right now. Not mixed together, but you get the damn point, right?
He told me to do legal drugs. Ya know?...So I stay off the ilegal shit.
Sometimes I think about where i'd be if I didn't try to meet someone else. If i stayed, waiting, stayed naive and shit.
I bet you're thinking, "who's the bitch talking about?"
You're right, I could be talking about anyone and maybe I am talking about everyone.
Every last penis that has walked in and out of my life for the last 8 years.
I'm not.

I'm gonna pull through. If I was really that nuts, it would have really came out by now. I would have emitted myself somewhere to solve the problem or someone would have noticed.
Is "emitted" the right word?

I told the new guy if he can't handle some of the things I do and say, then I'm simply  not the right chick for him. Then I proceeded to say,

"I am joining the GOD DAMN military to get sober, if that's not enough proof that I want to better myself, then I don't know what is."
He was quiet like anyone would be. He sat there and glared and I glared back because I am a fucking bitch.
and he said,
"you're so beautiful"



AND I MELTED

They Do Exist.

He saw me at my weakest and lowest and still wanted me.
I guess this is when I should finally decide to pick the "good guy" for once.
All I can do now is be good and mentally stable for him, to him, with him.
He only deserves the best because he is the best.

I Love The Way We Lie.

We all want to be more than just a number, but when you're keeping count, it's hard to think otherwise. And who knew the number thirty-eight would still be haunting me after all.
And maybe that's just it, I have been focusing too hard on solving and fixing and finding out. I never gave enough time for the development.

I don't have regrets because I hold our truth and our lies together. They are ornaments for a Christmas tree except not because I fucking hate Christmas and I don't necessarily hate this situation.  
Weather the textee was too drunk to comprehend,  I still let out every last thing I've been hiding. I've never done that before. I mean, I didn't even tell the guy that beat me up the truth even though I knew it'd hurt him.
See, I've always wanted to be that good, honest woman I pretend to be. I mean, I even go all out and lie to myself to make me believe that I am perfect and I am always the one getting hurt.
And each new man that enters my life i think, "He's going to be the one that I am faithful to. He's going to be the man that I marry" hah.

On a slightly different note, it's weird to think that if my boss never failed me and if the lawyer loved me back, I wouldn't be enlisting in the army.

I am glad how things have turned out. I've always been at least satisfied with results and really, that's what keeps me alive.

Aftermath.

So Much Change

I will continue to write about this until it gets so old it actually feels like history.

Each day my brain is recovering, rebuilding, getting clearer and smarter. This is all new to me; all the right decisions and smart attitudes.
I've come to really know myself, just as much as I've come to realize how much I didn't know certain people. And it's so damn astonishing that I've ended these ties, those feelings, that dungeon of regret and emptiness. I mean, it's just so nice to live entire days without missing anyone and without feeling terrible heart pain.
I will introduce this new one when the time is right, but god damn, nothing has ever felt so right.

I realize I can not be accredited. I've grown to know that everyone is replaceable and I actually enjoy replacing. I have turned it into an activity in these recent months, but if I look at whom I've put on the line lately, everyone was up to no good and no good for me.