Late Thanks.

I asked the universe to give me someone who appreciates me and two days later, my wish was granted.
I didn't necessarily mean a male or boyfriend figure of any kind, it could have been anyone. I just needed someone, besides my bosses and customers, who needed me and was thankful to have me.
I have been waiting a while for someone like this, or to at least display their appreciation. Month after month i've felt so used and well, worthless. Woman feel this way, so it's important to make us feel important.

So I met someone. AGAIN. I know what you're thinking and I don't care.
I am so god damn numb and I am literally expecting nothing from him. I'm not wrapping my feelings around him or trying very hard, and just like in the past, well, it's working. Men need a chase and why I  don't act like this every time is beyond me. Sometimes it's just hard. But now, since I've been burned so badly, I'm bitter and just trying to get fucked.
So suddenly someone who really fucking appreciates me as a human has walked into my life.

So I made him dinner. I knew the result would be positive because I was making my best dish.
Who knew i could ever, ever, ever make him so happy. It was over 24 hours ago and he's still thanking me and begging me to come back.
And in return, I am growing thankful. My gratitude is forming for this new human. I am glad I get to feel this way before I sell my soul to the government. I am glad I've met someone as mature and as intelligent as I am.
Though his profession is mainly the same as the last two men, I've grown to like that part. I am familiar with it now. And someone like me needs all the stability I can get.

I'll see him again on Sunday. He's leaving his back door open so I can come in while he's at work. And I'll be patiently waiting for him as I cook and clean his messy Joshua Tree house.
If you appreciate me; I so appreciate you.
And any male who can handle me is ONE GOD DAMN LUCKY HUMAN.

My hair is long, my skin is getting better. I am beautiful.

Goodbye My Almost Lover

It's been a while since I've updated or let my emotions out in writing.
Something has been missing and I guess this is it.

Like I've admitted before, I am a sex addict. It's been getting worse lately. I try to satisfy myself and it doesn't get me anywhere. So I have to search for men who are just as easy as I am. It's not difficult, they come in the masses if I try hard enough. But even after it's done, something still doesn't feel right. I mean, it could be a long time friend, an old pal, a new friend, an ex, or someone I just fucking met, it all just feels empty.

But maybe I am empty. I am a walking bag of bones and fat and sex hormones.

Thanksgiving with the lawyer and his family was nice just like any time spent with them is. It doesn't hurt anymore. You know, what him and I are. And him and I are much happier this way. I still don't think i'll ever love anyone more than how much I love him.

On addictions and not letting go:
I can pretend to not want the second marine. I can say I don't miss him, that I don't need him, that he isn't the best I've ever had, but fuck...it'd all be lying. I mean, there's something about that man that's calling me. I don't want to give up no matter where my future takes me. I believe that people's souls are magnetic and our souls are attracted to each other by the force. He can deny it all he wants, I don't care. I know what I feel and I have never been wrong.

I have been waiting most of my life to be in a state of mind where men don't matter, where relationships aren't a necessity and god damn, in 38 short days I will be in such a place.

I have completely relapsed. I have enough drugs to last me ten more days and in ten more days, I will stop.

that's all there is to it.

I have never met anyone like me because they just don't exist. Very few people actually care about me for reals and the ones that really do, suck at displaying it.
But this is something that i've had to deal with since I was a child. It doesn't bother me. Other things bother me.
If I cared even less about my body, I'd get tattoo somewhere that said,

"Dear guy that I am about to fuck and fall in love with,
You don't have to spit out emotions and fake commitment to fuck me. I will fuck you meaninglessly.
Love,
Nay"

But like everyone always says, shit happens for a reason. People come and go, mostly go but whatthefuckever.

I want to keep you. I've wanted to keep you since the stupid day I met you. You lie a lot, but fuck, we all do. I'll stick around this time, I just need to figure out how.