It's been a while since I've updated or let my emotions out in writing.
Something has been missing and I guess this is it.
Like I've admitted before, I am a sex addict. It's been getting worse lately. I try to satisfy myself and it doesn't get me anywhere. So I have to search for men who are just as easy as I am. It's not difficult, they come in the masses if I try hard enough. But even after it's done, something still doesn't feel right. I mean, it could be a long time friend, an old pal, a new friend, an ex, or someone I just fucking met, it all just feels empty.
But maybe I am empty. I am a walking bag of bones and fat and sex hormones.
Thanksgiving with the lawyer and his family was nice just like any time spent with them is. It doesn't hurt anymore. You know, what him and I are. And him and I are much happier this way. I still don't think i'll ever love anyone more than how much I love him.
On addictions and not letting go:
I can pretend to not want the second marine. I can say I don't miss him, that I don't need him, that he isn't the best I've ever had, but fuck...it'd all be lying. I mean, there's something about that man that's calling me. I don't want to give up no matter where my future takes me. I believe that people's souls are magnetic and our souls are attracted to each other by the force. He can deny it all he wants, I don't care. I know what I feel and I have never been wrong.
I have been waiting most of my life to be in a state of mind where men don't matter, where relationships aren't a necessity and god damn, in 38 short days I will be in such a place.
I have completely relapsed. I have enough drugs to last me ten more days and in ten more days, I will stop.
that's all there is to it.
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