I read some of my own work and I cried. I cried and cried 'til my face was numb.

I just want to be happy and I'd like to go back in time and tell my 21 and 22 year old self that everything will be okay.

Shit, I need to tell my 23 year old self that to.

When does this stop?

I Almost Forgot About Dr. Dog

I couldn't sleep last night. That hasn't happened to me in months. Something is on my mind; i've been feeling guilty.
Sometimes I just want to disappear, but I know it wouldn't be fair.
The only time I truly feel my best is the first five minutes after I put on a fresh new face of make up. I raise my eyebrows and look in the mirror and think, "damn, I have some good genes"


Look, I'm not contradicting myself here, just different days bring different things and really, I'm only human.

I'm so alone in a place so crowded. I'm so alone in a place where we're all mostly the same.
I'm totally okay with it.

I will forever miss California.

Candle Lit

I'm here again.
I'm sitting in the dark with my computer and a candle is burning. It's been burning for hours.

I can't take back the past but I can fix things in the present and that's the most important thing I've learned in 2013. I won't start to write into 2014 or even about 2014 yet because fuck, why?
I just want to be a good wife. That's it. I'll be damn blunt about it. I want to be good, well behaved, nice, understanding, and reliable. I think I am all of those things but I'm still learning. Is there anyway that someone else can understand that?

I surprise myself every day. I'm extremely beautiful out of nowhere. This is new to me like everything else and I'm not even going to pretend like I haven't noticed.

Sometimes I think about all the people I used to know, all the men that walked in and out of my life. What did I gain and what did they gain? I've always been afraid of those answers. And it's funny when I read back on all of these posts, most of them are about the man I married anyway.
When I think about 2012 and 2013...I just wanted him. I did all sorts of stupid things to try to forget about him just because I thought he wasn't obtainable. Shit. Then, I don't know...something just clicked for the both of us.

So here I am...fuck...I'm not getting laid like I used to because he lives
so far away, but I've never been so okay with it. I'm so damn strong.

Have I mentioned that I think I'm cool now and I love me?