I've been doing a lot of different things lately. One of which was slipping into this negative, painful mind set. I mean, it was like totally god-awful.
That has passed and I've been mostly 'script free. You know, minus a few muscle relaxers here and there. The main thing is that I shook my desire for the anti-anxiety. That was the first one that had to go. I was too numb and such, and besides, it really flared up my restless leg syndrome for some reason.
So here I am. I'm back on Earth and I feel fine. I have a lot to look forward to now, so there's no reason to be sad or mad or lonely. I have my plans, my accomplishments, my animals, and my electronics...so I'm fine, right?
Monday, May 28, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
May Sucks
I'm not sure why the universe keeps putting me in scenarios that make me realize I don't have family. It's been hard on me lately, feeling defeated and small and all.
I sped down HWY 111 to the ER off of Country Club and Bob Hope. I've never been there for myself other than the time I fainted sophomore year from extreme stress and too much thinking. By the time I got to the ER that time, I had come-to and my grandparents were there to calm me down. This time the tears kept falling and falling, the pain got deeper and deeper, and I felt more and more alone at each red light that I hit. I was scared and needed someone, but I didn't make the effort to get anyone to come with me. I just wanted someone to be there because they are already there with me all the time, you know?
But i guess i don't have someone like that right now. Not really.
So I called my grandpa and he wasn't sensitive enough. I needed him to be more worried. But that was my grandma's job and my grandpa has always thought I was a hypochondriac anyway.
I was so annoyed with the amount I was crying. I mean, nothing I tried would calm me down and I didn't want to pop a pill because they'd know and that'd be a whole other ordeal. So i sat there, breathing hard, shaking, and pacing. A sympathetic nurse noticed and next thing I knew, I was wheeled away, with a small hollow tube feeding me an anti-anxiety medicine, a pain killer, and vitamins. I was feeling good, still crying, still scared, but it was all masked.
And as always, a mother of a boy who used to be in my life came to the rescue.
And it never fails, they always say, "Well, I can be your mom."
So now I have three of those.
The slightly small, not so important issue is, none of their sons want me anymore.
But all of them would gladly fuck me.
Cool.
I'll be back with more. Vicoden is starting to kick in now.
I sped down HWY 111 to the ER off of Country Club and Bob Hope. I've never been there for myself other than the time I fainted sophomore year from extreme stress and too much thinking. By the time I got to the ER that time, I had come-to and my grandparents were there to calm me down. This time the tears kept falling and falling, the pain got deeper and deeper, and I felt more and more alone at each red light that I hit. I was scared and needed someone, but I didn't make the effort to get anyone to come with me. I just wanted someone to be there because they are already there with me all the time, you know?
But i guess i don't have someone like that right now. Not really.
So I called my grandpa and he wasn't sensitive enough. I needed him to be more worried. But that was my grandma's job and my grandpa has always thought I was a hypochondriac anyway.
I was so annoyed with the amount I was crying. I mean, nothing I tried would calm me down and I didn't want to pop a pill because they'd know and that'd be a whole other ordeal. So i sat there, breathing hard, shaking, and pacing. A sympathetic nurse noticed and next thing I knew, I was wheeled away, with a small hollow tube feeding me an anti-anxiety medicine, a pain killer, and vitamins. I was feeling good, still crying, still scared, but it was all masked.
And as always, a mother of a boy who used to be in my life came to the rescue.
And it never fails, they always say, "Well, I can be your mom."
So now I have three of those.
The slightly small, not so important issue is, none of their sons want me anymore.
But all of them would gladly fuck me.
Cool.
I'll be back with more. Vicoden is starting to kick in now.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
On addictions and letting go.
I have a list of a hundred things to do, animals that need my attention, skin that needs to be tanned, things that need to be bought, friends that need updating, forms that need to be filled out, and people who need the truth.
All I can really do is sit here and write. My brain needs something or someone, but I'm going to let it be for a while. I just don't know what to do with it sometimes. You have no idea what it's like to be me, I hardly even do.
I'll admit to my addiction to anti-anxiety meds right now. I started off taking them only when I needed to. I got them from the doctor so it felt legit. I followed instructions and took the correct milligram, they helped. I was calm and realized why my relationship with Raph failed; going so many years with intense anxiety and nervousness untreated. So I pleaded with him, told him I would be better, that we were supposed to get married and have a really successful, practical life. But see, he couldn't imagine me calm or practical. He made me feel crazy, therefore I was crazy because he's all I really had.
I lost my health insurance due to a company getting bought out by a larger, more powerful company. It happens. How would I go on without Ativan? At this point I still wasn't very addicted or dependent on the 'scripts, still only taking them when needed, as directed. However, I knew the time would come where I'd turn into that raging bitch again, like I was in San Fran. So I searched for a dealer. I'd have to take the black market route to get what I needed. It didn't take me long. I found a xanax slanger in no time.
I still didn't abuse them. I was quiet about them, and quiet with myself. Everything was going great, I was so calm and peaceful, so nieve and passive. But somehow the universe brought a male into my life that completely fit everything I have ever wanted. EVERYTHING. I mean, I just can't fucking say it enough. He was extremely straight forward from the beginning; not wanting a relationship. I nodded my head and said, "me neither". As time went on it felt like things were going somewhere, I mean, shit felt sort of serious. He helped me with things and I helped him. I saw him on a daily basis and it didn't feel like a game or anything. I finally had someone I could talk to about the things I wanted to talk about. I had finally met someone smarter than me.
Then, the mom got involved. This is sort of where I started to loose it. I get close to mothers for obvious reasons and it just never fucking fails; they always love me.
It was hard for me to tell her that he didn't want me, that he had much bigger and more important things on his to-do lists. She wouldn't listen. She kept telling me to be patient and work on it.
Some time in the mix of misunderstandings and the guy fulfilling what he's been working at for the last 7 years or so, I started taking more and more xanax. Eh, I pretty much took anything I could get my hands on. Still functioning, still working, and still having a grasp of myself, I was numb. It became easier to ignore that I fell for someone who's basically in a different world than me, who'd never feel the way that I did. I just went with the flow and he still kept coming back to me. I tried calling it off so many times, but I care about him so much, he would simply send me a text message that said, "sup" and I'd be "omw".
This is pretty much where I am now. I can't go a day without pills because I'm too afraid of my brain without them.
I am the abuser. I've adused myself.
All I can really do is sit here and write. My brain needs something or someone, but I'm going to let it be for a while. I just don't know what to do with it sometimes. You have no idea what it's like to be me, I hardly even do.
I'll admit to my addiction to anti-anxiety meds right now. I started off taking them only when I needed to. I got them from the doctor so it felt legit. I followed instructions and took the correct milligram, they helped. I was calm and realized why my relationship with Raph failed; going so many years with intense anxiety and nervousness untreated. So I pleaded with him, told him I would be better, that we were supposed to get married and have a really successful, practical life. But see, he couldn't imagine me calm or practical. He made me feel crazy, therefore I was crazy because he's all I really had.
I lost my health insurance due to a company getting bought out by a larger, more powerful company. It happens. How would I go on without Ativan? At this point I still wasn't very addicted or dependent on the 'scripts, still only taking them when needed, as directed. However, I knew the time would come where I'd turn into that raging bitch again, like I was in San Fran. So I searched for a dealer. I'd have to take the black market route to get what I needed. It didn't take me long. I found a xanax slanger in no time.
I still didn't abuse them. I was quiet about them, and quiet with myself. Everything was going great, I was so calm and peaceful, so nieve and passive. But somehow the universe brought a male into my life that completely fit everything I have ever wanted. EVERYTHING. I mean, I just can't fucking say it enough. He was extremely straight forward from the beginning; not wanting a relationship. I nodded my head and said, "me neither". As time went on it felt like things were going somewhere, I mean, shit felt sort of serious. He helped me with things and I helped him. I saw him on a daily basis and it didn't feel like a game or anything. I finally had someone I could talk to about the things I wanted to talk about. I had finally met someone smarter than me.
Then, the mom got involved. This is sort of where I started to loose it. I get close to mothers for obvious reasons and it just never fucking fails; they always love me.
It was hard for me to tell her that he didn't want me, that he had much bigger and more important things on his to-do lists. She wouldn't listen. She kept telling me to be patient and work on it.
Some time in the mix of misunderstandings and the guy fulfilling what he's been working at for the last 7 years or so, I started taking more and more xanax. Eh, I pretty much took anything I could get my hands on. Still functioning, still working, and still having a grasp of myself, I was numb. It became easier to ignore that I fell for someone who's basically in a different world than me, who'd never feel the way that I did. I just went with the flow and he still kept coming back to me. I tried calling it off so many times, but I care about him so much, he would simply send me a text message that said, "sup" and I'd be "omw".
This is pretty much where I am now. I can't go a day without pills because I'm too afraid of my brain without them.
I am the abuser. I've adused myself.
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